I WAS SO MOANY

I AM SO CONTENT WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW IT IS UNREAL...

GOD IS TOO GOOD!

You Deserve It

LOL, the title can be seen as a jeer/mockery or a pat on the back.

Many a time you work oh so hard for something that you do not in the end ever even receive or achieve.
There are so many people that toil and regardless of effort the goal is just out of bounds.

So how do you measure what entitles you to deserving that thing you covet.

In my opinion - YOU DON'T.

You deserve the world and beyond!
How dare you let the world and society characterise your life and put limits and bounds on what you can do.
There is nothing worse than being limited.

I hate giving up, so sometimes, I find myself in the same pathetic situation time and time again because I think that somehow, this time, if I just don't give up, something will give, there will be change.

Let me help you kick start your epiphany if this is how you think...
NO NO NO, stop lying to yourself!

I will not sit on the other end of your screen and assist you in deceiving yourself that what you put in is what you will get out.

I will however inform you that indeed you can achieve that goal of yours no matter how unrealistic it may seem.

I'll let you in on a secret...
I was one of those people with as Mr Luther put it 'A DREAM'.
It consisted of one thing and one thing only, to fall in love with someone who loved me equally and if not more.

There were occasions I thought I had achieved this dream and then, somehow it would turn into a nightmare.
Of course like any normal person I would flee.

Now, I am not going to jinx it.
But, the dream is now a reality... its still got elements of nightmare but.. blah.

The dream also went above and beyond my expectations and woah... I am not sure I want to tell the world my biggest secret yet.

Just know I am possibly the most content person in the world atm.

As a Christian lemme just say this - Gods time is the best time.

Back So Soon

This time of year again, so soon.
Only last year this time I was in bed (like I am now),
Resting my ikkle brain and being thankful for all I have.

I was really not in the right frame of mind last year for Christmas tbh,
But I braved it.

This year however I am a wealthy student -_- who received her grant
the day after her bday (1st dec) and kindly bought presents for immediate family, nieces, cousin and mum and dad.

After that I do not play part
I didn't even buy "him" a present
Ahh well, that is what boxing day sales are for

Anywho...

Today is a day every little child treasures and every career person relishes... today and the holiday days that follow on from today.

Its a day you get to look back at the past year, gather thoughts, ponder, plan and un plan.

I came to the conclusion that I made some very 'wise' mistakes.
They have helped shape my future and better my understanding of myself, the world and life.

I don't have regrets,
I am however from time to time, ridiculously bitter at things, the way they happened and how I happened to let them slide.

Its a new year in just under a week...
I am not saying I'm going to become a reformed woman, but my perception of things is slightly different.

Things happen for the greater good in many cases, and I'm so happy that things are panning out better than I could have expected.

Thank you for freeing me, for letting me experience a whole new side of life, for opening my eyes unto what opportunities lie before me that I had previously because of ignorance deemed IMPOSSIBLE.

I'm living a dream,

I'm living MY dream and I am loving it.

I never in a million years thought that 2011 would be the year, but guess what it was.

Side Piece

Do you know what it feels like to be a side piece?
A side dish!

You know like chicken wings, coleslaw, beans, gravy, its not the bulk of your meal.

Imagine being that to someone.

They have a GF/BF, but they come to you in his/her absence or even just for fun.
You are their lust and nothing more.

Unless you decide that you do not mind this position (I know some people),
it is rather heart breaking to find out that this is where you lie.

How you react to this determines a lot:

1. It determines whether you deserve to be 1

If  you carry on as though there is nothing wrong, whilst home wrecking in my opinion you are not worth much and shouldn't be ranked as anything but the thing on the side. 


     2.   It determines what the person means to you

     3.   It determines how much self-worth you have


How your supposed partner reacts determines:

1. Whether he/she truly loves/likes you
2. If he/she has any respect for you whatsoever
3. Whether you should even give him/her a chance

Don't sit around and be made a fool of do your research, many people give little reason for you to trust them, so watch your back and trust no man/woman.

Potential

You have it all there...

It seems, to be laid out in front of you.

There are stepping stones, or a route you might want to call it. 

But where you go from here because of the multiple options is unclear. 

What to do next?

I spend the majority of my time daydreaming, 

I wish I had get rich quick schemes, 

the amount of time I spend thinking I should have been onto something by now.

It makes me question, what I am doing with my POTENTIAL?

I have the ability to succeed but don't ever grasp what is within arms reach 

talk less of aiming higher and trying to achieve the supposed impossible.

I want something, I bite my lip because of pride.

Instead of asking for I work for...

how about for once something works for me?

Time for me to unlock my potential.

Firstly by having a broader outlook on everything.

Too many a time I worry about consequence rather than end POSSIBLE result.

So here I like what ever that chubby lad on young apprentice's name is...

will start with the CONCEPT.

Mine is not fame, nor is it fortune (in terms of wealth).

It is HAPPINESS.

I have been training myself to think, happy thoughts.

This YOLO (you only live once) term has been something that before the acronym had been on my mind.

Last year the death of a close friend shook me.

If I had anything to remember him by, the words 'be strong' 

would come into play.

He was there for me during a harsh break up and always kept me smiling no matter the circumstance.

And I think from then on out I decided nothing would get me down.

But then...

Life had its way with me shortly after his death and another person close to my heart died yet again.

Okay I don't know about you, but if more than one person starts to slide away from you, 

you would start to think that it may possibly be you next. 

Which is why I believe it is my prerogative to go above and beyond the norm 

and to satisfy my need to be HAPPY. 

I want a large proportion of my life to be classified as the good old days.

I don't want to think about when times were bad, hard etc. 

I personally think that a happy soul wins souls and hearts.

And if that is the case all the keys to SUCCESS should be achievable once I am content in any situation.

Glad to be living, for my family, friends, acquaintances you name it. 

Positivity breeds good outcomes, 

so opportunities should be rife. 

Unlock your potential by being the best that you can be.

Its hard to be cheery 24/7 and lord knows I cant do it 365, hormones have their wicked way with me regularly. 

But during the time they don't, 

I seize the day. 

And take control of my life.

Your potential, lies in your hands.

Don't let bad habits get in the way of your success.

I Miss You

This girl needs to hold it down, she is just messing with my membrane.

Read this review on the song by the taste level, it is exactly how I feel about her album and this song.

Click here

Everyday I'm hustling

I can actually attest to this...

Since I was about 13/14 years old I have been styling people's hair.
As a result people reward me with a lil moola you know for hooking them up.
It isn't however anything to sing home about...
Which means that as soon as I got my NI no# (social security code) I went out in search of a job.

Recently my mate told me to read a book he had recently finished reading.
My mum had it in her library and I usually find it easy to delve into a good read, but this however has me profoundly lost.

I can't seem to get into it.
Personally I think it's because she wrote all over it like a diary and when I read her notes they throw me off track.

Anyways the book is called 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad'

It's described as what the rich teach their children that the poor don't.

It's all about the rat race that we all conform to and become part of for the duration of our lives..
And despite the fact I haven't got into it I am already questioning what my future holds and whether I will too conform or break the norm.

Sad thing is I have already kinda conformed..

Society today is structured so that you prepare yourself from secondary education.


1st - you decide whether or not school and the traditional route to success is for you

2nd - you either go into work after compulsory school leaving age or into college or sixth form, you even have the choice to become an apprentice

3rd - you either drop out, complete the course, become redundant, stay stagnant, Get a promotion or go onto further education

BY NOW, life should have thrown you some stones, rocks in fact that you had to dodge like Tomb raider or move out of your way like a heavy weight champion.
At this point if your family don't have your back, you don't have backbone or a support unit you are more than likely to take the so called stupid choice and bail out of it all... The nanny state (welfare system) has your back.

They will house you, pay your rent, give you money to feed, if you do your part an populate the world they make the benefits look even better for you, you know kinda like a crazy package - those all inclusive holidays at nuts prices type deals.

Now if you have a persuasive family who have a long list of professions they need to tick Off and degrees they would like to brag to friends about , it's likely you will take heed to all the advice that has been shoved down your throat.

After The gratification you receive on graduation day, in kicks the realisation that you are more than likely to join what they call the rat race...

Waking up at the crack of Dawn, commuting into town or out daily for months on end to near enough pay for your bills, indulge in one or two luxuries a month and maybe even paying for extra-curricular activities for the kids what left do you have. Oh did I mention the debt in which you are in at this point.
And the monthly repayments which the loan company take out of your pay check.

kmt... Just thinking about it angers me.

Not everyone is business minded, an after a chat with another friend I recently realised that not everyone is made to be a leader or a business owner.

So what stance do I take on this? Do I continue my average hustle an work for an hourly wage and maybe in a few years a salary with a benefits package that I can COPE with or do I reject mediocrity and start a business that could be my road to success or my downfall... Who knows?

Disaster

Is anybody else really touched by what is going on in Eastern Africa, a mass of people are seeking refuge in a large refugee camp in Kenya.
People walking for miles, not fleeing war but a dry terrain in which nothing has substance and there are no trees to bear any fruit.
No water... No rain, NOTHING!

The news portrays starving children, weak and lifeless, clutching on to life in make shift hospitals.
Land used as a burial site for those who simply cannot take it anymore.

Livestock with as much meat as is on dying children.
In essence, a dying nation.
And the news are still calling it a drought.
When half the refugee camp is 6 feet under they will most likely then decide to call it a famine.

Really, they need foreign aid and loads of it.

It's not anybody's fault it's just the region.
Living in arid desert like situations come with a huge downsides.

Either way, there is no time to blame.
Just keep the people of eastern africa in your thoughts and prayers.

Sweet Nothings Are Still Something

I without a shadow of a doubt am one of those girls who loves to be wined and dined, showed off to peers, family and the general public.

I don't like being in hiding and I hate being a secret.

I can cope with it don't get me wrong, but I don't actually like it one bit.

I love spontaneity, it pulls me in.

I think I kinda like feeling like I am in one of those feel good movies...

Who doesn't like hearing sweet things from a partner or love interest its all part of the initial run up to something that could potentially be "THE ONE", lol.

Jokes aside, the majority of things said are meant.

So why despise everything or hold words against someone (unless of course they LIED)?

No point really, counteract the good with the bad and you will see it was all worth it, even if it did end with you lying in bed all night eyes open, thoughts on what you did wrong rather than right.

Its an experience and likelihood is it meant SOMETHING to you and them.

Just learn from it, but don't let it ruin your future.

Not Easy

Life has never been easy,
not even as a child if you are honest with yourself.
Even fighting for life with two tiny lungs just after being delivered is a task and a half.

Talkless of trying to learn how to walk then having to run in order to keep up with the pace of the adult responsible for your welfare.

Oh and then learning how to talk, write, read - It has never been easy.

Socialising in school, HARD.

As we grow older however we realise just how simple these things were to achieve and start to associate the term easy with them, forgetting just how hard it was at the time.

My point, before I start rambling on, nothing is ever as it seems, you have to give it some time, thought and dedication to get it.

Yesterday a friend informed me she got a job I referred her to.
And I could not be more happier for her, because being idle really sucks.
Extra money comes in handy too.

Now in the spirit of always trying to better ones self I set out trying to look for another job last night.

I was up till 4am filling out application forms, online questionnaires and aptitude tests.

It is a long and almost daunting experience searching for a job, because you know that there are 100 odd other people applying to and for the same position as you.

But you keep trying as hard as it seems.
And when you finally get a job, you forget how hard and long it was and remember how easily you got the job.

Never give up, ever.

I want

A DSLR...

badly

like real bad

like Michael Jackson bad.

like I really wanna do outfit posts on my other blog but I dont even have a camera, like not even a standard digital

damn...

What do you do when your best is not enough?

Sometimes I get this feeling that I will never amount to anything or that I don't mean anything to anyone.
A lot of the time I just feel like an extra wing, not needed you can fly with two what's up with the third extra wing, get rid of it.

Ok back to your best not being good enough.

Who gave anyone the right to tell you that you were not GOOD enough?

No one,

Who gave anyone the authority to make you feel lowly... YOU.

You unsubconciously give other people power over you from time to time.
That person who you think can dress, if he/she says your outfit looks bad likelihood is you will feel bad wearing it.

If someone tells you that they can't see themselves with anyone else and a few months later they have someone else on their arm that they are claiming, you allowed them to fool you.

But when do you decide it is SAFE to let someone influence your opinion of yourself?

Never would be an apt answer, unfortunately things do not always work the way you would like for them to.

Sometimes you have to experience things in order to appreciate your self worth, sometimes you cannot even actually appreciate the lesson you are supposedly being taught by life because it simply HURTS too much for experience to legitimise the pain.

What else can you attribute to it though... ?

Loads of rhetorical questions here, I leave them open to your answers...
I'm lying here in bed thinking about 1001 issues, scenarios and ways to resolve them.
But I'm no agony aunt, I just rant.
And rave... Till I'm tired and eventually nod off.

The Climb

Was only during my uphill climb through the streets of Canterbury with the heaviest bags known to man that I truly started to appreciate life for what it is.

Honestly, there have been so many so called 'low points',
I mean when I was at the bottom of the hill with cars going past the speed limit and blowing my hair into a static mess I contemplated giving up.
But I realised it really is not about how fast I make it, it is about the climb, how I get there.

Having Christian influence I am inclined to looking at my life from a different view point, how other people look at me in relation to my 'religion'.

The amount of times I have been near giving up is erm, terrible.

Irrespective of this however each and every time I have done something to pick myself back up and face whatever obstacle is obstructing me from achieving what it is I am after.

I actually finished college this week, three years of crap that was.
I should have done an apprenticeship in all honesty, I am a worker, I work hard.
And right now I am working towards reaching a high position, and making sure I have back up I don't ever want to be pushed of any position in my own hierarchy...

But hey, life is an ongoing learning curve and about the climb.

Miley says it all for me...



No matter what circumstance you find yourself in, remember its just a minuscule part of the major plan. You can overcome it!

Bisous mes amies x

If you couldn't tell by now

I am a big, no huge, no enormous lover of afro beats...

CURRENTLY DYING OVER WIZ KID

Have a feeling I will be bumping into the guy himself sometime soon.

Wiz Party is my jam - have a listen

not so much the lyrical content as much as I love you boo...

the beats are so catchy and make me dance down the road, how can i be bobbing my head in an exam hall singing this to myself...
lol

my sociology teacher is the best

"Do not give up at the 11th hour!"

Thats what she emailed me - honestly don't know where I would be without her.

Turns out I have done this exam before and got a grade I was only aiming to push the grade up.

Ahh well such is life

biggest mistake

i missed my a2 exam

enough said

im a bum

and God knows why that happened and only he will see me out of it..

for now i will weep

with my weak and bogged down body

i hate being ill

GUESS WHAT!

LMFAO - I lost my phone

But I couldn't care less..

Then I thought I would give finding it a go.

So I'm standing in the darkness in a uni kitchen

and I call my phone using someone elses phone

and in the corner of the room

next to somewhere I had been sat

was a mop bucket

for some uncanny reason

the bucket was glowing

low and behold

I found my phone

in the bottom of this murky water

ringing

- Funniest thing that has happened to me this year undoubtedly -

I have a blackberry so being iPhoneless doesn't bother me so much
dont really get many phone calls nowadays anyways
and I cant go over my bill now eh?

I met Naeto C

So it's funny how God works, just as I have been falling deep in love with the guy and his lyrical flow.
I am blessed with his presence someone tell me it happened by coincidence I will tell you otherwise.
I was meant to meet him.
When you are righteous in your doing you will be blessed.
And this photo is evidence of how happy I am and was when I met him.
More blessings to come, watch out world.
I'm ready for you

I'm sorry

Sometimes, without even trying, you can get so caught up in yourself that you forget how you are portraying another person.

Selflessness, something I try to enact, but in the end I just end up thinking about MYSELF and My emotions...

Even if it means painting somebody else in a bad light.

I wont lie, the majority of the time it excuses mistakes made or even assumptions that have been jumped to.

But the end result isn't pretty, the picture is one you wouldn't even really want to look at because from all angles it doesn't look like anything but a mess.

Most of the time, I say sorry and don't mean it.
I say it to solve an issue, or better still kick it under a matt, rather than hitting the nail on the head, I digress.

Oh DAMN..

It is a pity really.

Everybody seems to think they are right.
When in actual fact you ain't ever gonna know what is the right way of doing things if you dont TALK.

Made harder when the other parties involved don't even want to.
Mais, you have to respect peoples opinions.

As I grow older and more knowledgeable in matters of the heart, I realise that the mind and heart go hand in hand.

We try to brainwash ourselves into thinking one thing, but memories (the sweet ones) have us trapped and the heart comes out to play and it weeps when things are no longer the same.

But, such is life.

Honestly - live life and love it.
Sorry to all those I have driven up the wall.
I was selfish.

Vrai

What is true?
What is right?
What is just?
As opposed to what is preferred.

Who knows?