What you waiting for?

MY MIND is in overdrive...

its hot, and working way too much.

Frequently asked by the men that float in and out of my workplace

'why are you single?'

I begin to question myself.

For the most part, it is all me.

I believe that as young as I am,

there is enough time to face heartache and all that malarkey in the future.

But NOW, I have to ask myself why?

Because to be honest I actually don't even know myself.

With the death of close loved ones, I really do question what the heck I am waiting for.

I mean, I don't want to settle for any Tom, Dick or Harriet because that would just be lame, but I do want and sometimes even feel the need for that sort of companionship.

I am very guilty however of putting things off because of FUTURE plans.

When I say that I mean,

I say "I like you but I don't want to ruin the chances of a future with you"

BULL SHIT

If we cant work now we surely wont work later, so what the heck are we even talking about here.

Okay we might argue, may even decide to not talk to one another, but if its meant to be surely it will BE.

Like I said this is self blaming session, because again its me..

Looking at the relationships my mates are in, comparing them to myself,

pitying myself, shaking head at mistakes and nearly driving myself into a rut.

THE END OF THIS CRAP IS SIMPLY THIS.

Nothing is impossible, what is right for you will surely, I REPEAT, surely find its way to you.

Do not rush, do not follow friends and believe that what they are doing with their lives is what you must be doing.

Anxiety only leads to desperation and that trait is just ugly.

Take it easy, because really and truthfully there is no point loving someone who is not going to love you back.

It all whittles down to self worth, but I'll talk about that another day.

For now I'll skip off into the sun with my single self.

( I have this strange urge to cover myself head to toe despite the warm temperature, I have this hypothesis which I have already proven incorrect in my head that a guy that goes for a fully clothed gal, rather than one putting all her goods on show is genuinely attracted to the girl)

Hmm, we'll see.

Ta Ta for Now

Good Company

I am a firm believer in the people around you influencing you.

Some influence you to do bad, others good and some genuinely have no influence over you whatsoever.

In fact to some degree they play no part in your life.

These people are generally those that want something from you, be it physical or non physical, you are to them an idol of some sort.

Those that influence you to do bad, need to be RID of.

They are the worst kind, you know it and they know it.

They wish nothing for you but your downfall.

They take joy in knowing you are miserable, depressed and all that lark.

They don't even care if and when you are in need.

The good, MOTIVATE, INSPIRE, ADMIRE, make you laugh, make you smile, know exactly what to say to turn any frown around.

Unfortunately sometimes, you don't know what is good for you.

Too stuck in your wrong ways...

Some people even like moping around, claiming that tomorrow is a new day and that BY FORCE BY FIRE they will achieve what they could have done today tomorrow.

SAD REALLY...

I know what steps I need to get further, but if I surround myself with people who are unhappy with life, whether they have aspirations or not, there will forever be a stronghold there...

An obstacle I will indeed never overcome.

Which is why I thank God for those that I do have.

We recognize our right from wrong, we improve and amend and in other words 'keep on keeping on'.

Those that wanted to see my downfall are around to see my success, better still they are in awe.

But, from an arms length.

The company you keep is reflective of your persona and character.

Be weary of it.

**This post is dedicated to those fabulous friends of mine, who never let me give up and so I rise.

Pear shaped

As a female it is the duty of my hormones to do as they like with my body.
But with added intervention of more hormones, the edible sort,
I tend to lose it.
Apart from being ridiculuously unwell right now, in my opinion I should be hospitalised till I'm better,
I have had the honour of being an emotional wreck.
It has however worked out for the best and in my favour,
This is because I worked everyday for the past 3 days doing long day-night shifts.
This meant that by the time I got home I was knackered and had the strength to do nothing but sleep.
But in those 3 days because of my sickness I woke up at 6am with nothing to do and in pain.

DRUGs...
I am so lucky that I held on to some super strong pain killers,
Because this morning instead of trying to rock myself back to sleep,
I threw those bad boys down my throat.
Now it took a long time for them to kick in because I hadn't eaten.
But I felt the deterioration, it was a long process.
First I started feeling woozy, then my arms felt heavy, then my back relaxed, then my eyes shut, shortly after
The pain I had been feeling was no longer present, tis a pity it didn't go first.

The moral of all this,
There is a way out of everything!

Feeling moody, go to sleep.

Made a mistake, rectify it.

In pain, get some meds.

In serious pain, see a dr.

Oh n btw who else hates antibiotics, my gosh they take long to work.

Burn

I was not hungry,

Yet I forced myself to eat,

Mid-air the hot stew covered my wrist scalding it and leaving my skin immersed in oil.

I'm left sore and nursing what is left of the skin on my wrist.

Wake up calls are so bleeding necessary!

Ok, so you are seemingly fine, but deep down within you know that there is a whole lot of things bugging you.

So you plan.

It seems only wise to plan a way to get to where you WANT to be.

"Mais la vie est une salope"

(But life's a bitch)

My french is getting good, dont excuse it.

And so,

despite all the planning and toiling,

nothing ever really happens!

Do you give up?

For some time yes....

Then reality kicks in, you realise bills wont pay themselves

good credit is hard to hold onto

and in this ever present poor economy

you will clutch onto every penny you have or can earn

Yes life is for living,

but how daring can you afford to be?

Besides... electric and gas are the only things that prevent pneumonia

in this type of weather.

That is unless your next door neighbour isn't planning on

being the subject of an arson attack,

in which case for some hours you will be rather toasty

but that plan isn't fool proof is it?

Rhetorical these questions are not.

VAT Increase

I am ..
UNAMUSED.. by the rise
DISPLEASED.. by its arrival
PEEVED.. by its effect
RUINED.. because despite the increase I am not going to be paid a higher wage.

I cackled when the lady I normally by my daily dose of juice from
(a bottle of water and a carton of tropical fruit) quoted the price.
I repeated it, and she nodded.
I repeated what she said again... and yeah you guessed it she nodded.

I flung my head back and let out a howl of laughter which sounded somewhat like a wail.

I paid anyways, because I am at times a little too proud for my own good.
And besides.. I dont function well first thing in the morning minus the stuff.

I had previously considered the increase rather minor, but now am infuriated to find that even the 'little things' are now more expensive.

This coalition is good for nothing.

DAMN you government and EFF all You MOFO's who voted conservative and lib dem.

Broken promises, half-hearted or amended proposals and an end to all the things that benefitted the working-class.

PISSED MUCH

Lily x

Oh and BTW, Happy New Year

See Saw

Some days I'll be up and others down...
Here marketh the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

I label thee 'After Karma'

I am, crazy

Okay so today I'm going to do the worst imaginable thing.
I can't disclose too much information.
All I can say is goodbye sane Lily...
I am about to start a on a spiral... Whether it be downward or upward that I am unaware of but I am finished. Kapeesh!
My brain is fried.
My heart is in shreds
I have given up on the human race
I seek nothing but solace
I am so consumed in anger my being won't allow me to breath the normal rhythm it usually does...


I dont even have the tears to cry
And don't even think I should bother
I'm going to remember this for life
And fault myself also
I despise the choice I made
And the psychological tact with which it was implanted into my brain

But all I can do is look on to the future
Which I know now consists of pure and sheer distaste at what the world thinks is acceptable
This is not acceptable
Immoral
Unjust
And absolute cruelty
To myself and the other involved

I just hope I am forgiven
Because this act is forbidden in my heart and in the eyes of many others
But who am I to judge

It's karma ...