See Saw

Some days I'll be up and others down...
Here marketh the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

I label thee 'After Karma'

I am, crazy

Okay so today I'm going to do the worst imaginable thing.
I can't disclose too much information.
All I can say is goodbye sane Lily...
I am about to start a on a spiral... Whether it be downward or upward that I am unaware of but I am finished. Kapeesh!
My brain is fried.
My heart is in shreds
I have given up on the human race
I seek nothing but solace
I am so consumed in anger my being won't allow me to breath the normal rhythm it usually does...


I dont even have the tears to cry
And don't even think I should bother
I'm going to remember this for life
And fault myself also
I despise the choice I made
And the psychological tact with which it was implanted into my brain

But all I can do is look on to the future
Which I know now consists of pure and sheer distaste at what the world thinks is acceptable
This is not acceptable
Immoral
Unjust
And absolute cruelty
To myself and the other involved

I just hope I am forgiven
Because this act is forbidden in my heart and in the eyes of many others
But who am I to judge

It's karma ...

Detox

Detox from the world as I know it..

it commenced about a week ago, if only it had lasted longer.
iLeft LDN town and went to visit my close friend in the United Arab Emirates.
To call that place beautiful is an understatement.
It is simply amazing.
The houses, the cars, the people... the scenery, the sights, the views.
I loved every second of my holiday.
Even when iHad a little tiff with my mate.

Honestly, I believe it is in my best interest to go on holiday at any opportunity.
iAlso believe that iWill at some point in time immigrate to another country.

London is lovely but so wack, everything here is so limited.

My holiday gave me time to think and plan and also dream big.

Live Life Love Life

I cant help but cringe at the thought of goin back to college tomorrow.
I want for just one week to get away from it all, college, work and my parents.
As much as I love my folks they now exactly what buttons to push, the turn up my blood pressure.

Either way, today when my hormones were not having their wicked way with my being I decided whatever the weather, I am just going to have to face every blow life gives me and smile despite my bruises and painful as they maybe.

Its all pretty simple, live life, love life.
No matter the circumstance.

Never Help Society

What is wrong with society today. With a broken down infrastructure caused by political instability of the dual parliament there will be nothing but grief and headache.
The migraine I left the hospital with today was absolutely immense.
About a month ago I visited my GP, on arrival I found they were turning away patients like it was a tennis court. I was advised by somebody else to visit the walk in centre in the same building run by a different surgery. I was seen there and I believed I had the cure in my hands. After using the recommended product for about a month the problem worsened! I took a trip to a+e n to my disappointment after a 3 hr wait was reffered back to my GP. Complete piss take I'm now goin to a private service that will give me what I am paying for.

Internal Tears

... I have never hurt so much inwardly as today ...

And for once not for a selfish reason, today was the burial of my late friend.
His life was cut short, by an ungrateful so and so.
But hey, there is a reason for everything, and his calling was now.
It was a beautiful event, being a funeral virgin I didnt know what to expect.
Tears fell from my eyes despite how hard I tried to force them backwards.
A mass of people old and young arrived and the church was packed.
The priest of the church was talking about him as though he knew my friend, but in actual fact all he said was opposite.
He wouldnt have liked the hymns, or the long sermon.
He would have LOVED the presence of all who turned up.

I was rather happy that the sun came up over his grave whilst they let the doves loose.
It was beautiful and let my heart be at ease.

I was angry for a long time after his death, but today I let all that anger diminish.
I dont want to talk about it anymore.

I just want to cherish the memories

Breaking Down

NOTHING is going right!
Despite how hard I try.
...
BUT I HAVE GOT TO FINISH EVERYTHING I START

Mad..

Mad at the world, enough said

I try

Honestly, I think I try real hard.
To please others, to do the right thing, to assist even where I am not needed.

Can somebody please tell me why it is that the wicked seem to prosper and the righteous suffer.

In what scripture does that make sense.

My mum always says your heaven starts on earth, so why then does nothing ever come to pass the way I envision it to, or even in a positive way with effects and results that benefit me in a way that I can appreciate.

FUCK, I'm real peeved.

Whats up with this shit.

I always used to say if life throws you shit, dodge it, BUT what if you cant dodge it in time?
Wipe it off you say?
But your going to stink of it.

I must smell like a month old nappy and be suffering from nappy rash right about now, because I'm sour, at the world, at people and ultimately at myself.

Because at the end of the day, the power to influence my life and push things in the right direction lies in my own hands. My choices, My risks...all Mine.

Selfish rant, yeah I know, but sometimes you really have to put yourself first. Not in front of a car btw.

Sick and Tired

On so many different levels, I am sick of what the world seems to be throwing me right now.
The same way in which I am avoiding unnecessary lip locking is how I'm ferociously dodging the bullets life shoots at me.
Its crazy because honestly my emotions have the ablility to send me into a rut, which is where if not found I will pass away in.

Recently, I found out my bad grades, lost a friend and have been threatened by both my parents and my teachers. Under pressure to perform, I have realised that I can no longer occupy two jobs and have decided to quit the other.

Im tired of having no social life, I'm tired of feeling as though I am inferior and Im tired of looking rough.

I want to look and feel on top of the world.
You know boost my ego and all that lark.

Ahh well, I'll get back to you on how far I get with this new plan of mine.

Kisses didn't mean anything

It's rather weird that of recent I reject a kiss when one is coming my way I duck and dive like a man in the army on the war front.
I'm really against these random smooches, a little like when I see drunk people eating each others faces off. Eurrghh!

On twitter a couple of guys I follow mentioned that they only kiss to secure the 'lash' in other words sex. That's ridiculous but I guess as some people get so carried away it must really work.

I'm not anti-men or anything, but I'm against being classified as easy. Girls are fast being seen as predictable, I want this view to be changed and for the moves of men to be clearer than a cloud free sky.

I see it happening, but not anytime soon. Women are far to dependent on the male species.

It's appalling

A Dimple A Day

A DIMPLE A DAY KEEPS DEPRESSION AWAY, (LILYDEELOVE-2010)

Hibernate

Its sad, I try so hard to make others happy and never put myself in the forefront.
And I wonder why I start to feel so down.
Corr Blimey.
I could fling myself off a building right now.

I could also shoot the person that created A levels.

Autumns approaching, my shit summer is over and like an animal I would very much like to dig myself a hole and sleep right through winter, right past my birthday and into spring.

I cant wait for spring because it seems like a new begining, and a lot of the time you want to start over and do things differently.
But I guess you cant learn if you dont do, as they say ...

EXPERIENCE IS THE BEST TEACHER

State of mind - Emotionally Unstable

somewhere along the lines of paranoia and schizophrenia is where iAm sat.
alongside billions of others just like myself.
its funny though, schizophrenics are usually the ones that are socially secluded and unemployed and all that lark.
so i guess thats why i can only count my arm and shoulder n mayb 1/6 of my brain as a schitz, oh n mayb my right foot because it acts up sometimes, thats when i want to gt a gun and just shoot right next to my toe. now i wouldnt want to shoot my toe because that would lead to deformity and im not for having a hole in my foot or having one missing toe when thats not how i was created.

of recent i have been thinking a lot, about what i want to be, how im goin to get there and when im going to get there.

i have also reading a couple of books.

*American Pyscho - Bret Easton Ellis (i was supposed to read this during school, never happened)
*Diary of a Wimpy Kid - Jeff Kinney
*Act like a lady, think like a man - Steve Harvey

all of these books have one thing in common, they all look at insecure personalities.

now im not saying im insecure far from it.
im sure of myself, but unsure of who i want to be, how im going to be that person and when i will become that person.

in my mind im certain that i will surely make something of my being, but there are other things that frequent my mind too.

there is nothing more in this world that i'd like to do than to love and to be loved. (George Sand)

i guess at some point in time that will all fall into place, but right now i dont see it possible. me loving somebody yes, that happens regularly, im very kind hearted you see, but me being loved hmmm that ones hard.

for now, i'll work on my loving of others and in turn maybe someday i'll be loved equally and in return.

SIDENOTE: i am not overly emotional, i have a thing called break down mode, after this i'm solid. TEST ME

The Route Of Evil

Seven Deadly what...?

(extravagance) (gluttony) (greed) (discouragement) (wrath) (envy) (pride)

Oh piss off, really and truthfully everything comes down to jealousy and greed.
I'm saying it, that greedy sod BUSH invaded land, created a war, increased terrorist risk and invasion and LOST lives because of STUPID choices... which in the long run he thought he would GAIN from.

Sorry but the world is bad enough as it is, without adding extra fear to our lives.
Honestly, what are our troops still doing out there, bring them back home.
Everyday we hear of one land mine, or bomb explosion or attack on a camp killing several members of the army. Personally I think enough is enough!

Money, Money, Money...

The supposed route of all evil, to some extent this is very true.
Because of money people are stabbed, tortured, verbally abused and it generally causes overall mayhem.

You even get those evil sods that marry rich old geeza's in hope that they will keel over anytime after their "marriage".

But then some say money makes the world go round, if so does that mean without onslaught nothing good will come of the world.
MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

**Again about to go off on a sociological rant**

Okay so if that is truly the case then without money, how would we fulfil our consumer rights, what would happen to the economy, would the world be communist or an egalitarian state. How would we develop medication or even conduct research minus sources such as the internet..

If technology existed how would it be shared proportionately, I mean come on, if we all had access to the internet and television wouldnt our electricity supply run out at some point in time. What would Africa be like, would corruption still exist.

Oh and how about heads of states and rulers, would they still exist?
Would the EU still exist or would people or 1 world ruler brainwash us all into thinkin that it was pangea all over again.

I wonder.

All that aside, money has a lot of power and a hold over many societies. Africa held to its debt for generations past and present held a lot of wealth BUT some GREEDY so and so's were JEALOUS and ANGRY, so they STOLE the wealth of the once rich continent and now LOOK at the poverty in which many are living in today.

Even in More Economically developed countries there are areas that are equally as deprived.
Take for example the UK.

Here we have high unemployment levels, high birth rates and low death rates. We also have an influx of migrant workers who are prepared to do the jobs others dont want to do all in the name of MONEY. Because of the over-population increases in taxes due to the pressures put on national services are being incurred. Leaving us with less money and more reasons to think up quick cash building schemes.

Why suffer yourself to get money you wont even get to spend how you like?
Why, I ask myself that all the time.

iGot it 1st

Theres something very bemusing about human behaviour.
Why is it that many are so happy to see the downfall of others.
And whats with all the competition?
Unstable personalities carry the worst traits, iCant stand indecisive people and
*slaps self* here iGo with the hypocrisy.

But yeah anyways,
iM the type of girl who will buy something at a ridiculous price just so iCan say,

"iHad it first"

HOW SAD, but iM going to give you my lame excuse and you can make what you like of it.

ITS ALL DOWN TO...SOCIETAL SOCIALISATION.
Basically im blaming society for it.

I got to thinking about this after seeing a club photograph of a girl wearing a dress
iHad been photographed in months ago. And you know, my first thoughts were - Shit iM
glad iWore that then.

Its a pity, competition goes to far sometimes, what would iHave done had we been
wearing the dress to the same event?

So close to getting in sociology lesson right now (marketisation of education).

- Competition Gd/Bad? -

Time and Place

... i already have a blog, i dedicated it to fashion although, i rarely ever get time to update or load pictures. And though a wordy fashion blog is not a criminal offence it might as well be if it lacks any photographic evidence.
Not everybody knows where to go to find photo's of or from fashion shows, lookbooks and the rest.
So the helping hand that is image uploader has really outdone itself.
But the time has come that i draw upon the other use of blogspot, freedom of speech and what seems like a limitless box i can write my thoughts and pour out my emotions onto.
I kinda got into this because of Chelsea Talks Smack, but more so because there is many a time i want to release every unanswered question onto one medium, be it human being or electronic equipment.

The internet is probably the best and worst forum for this, because of course there are other voyeuristic people who like looking in at peoples life as the sheer thought of anyones life being worse than theirs brings joy to their miserable lifes encouraging them to enjoy their daily pursuits.

Others enjoy their time online so much because that is where they spend most of their time.. narcissists, hardcore WWW. freaks. They live out their lives online, and the worst part of it all is that because we do not always get the chance to meet these people they could be putting on the biggest fascade you ever saw in your sweet life.

The cyber bullies, narcissists, the online celebrities, narcissists.. i could go on, all these people that build a life for themselves online and in real life they are these sad weedy people who you would assume wouldn't hurt a fly, or have a tongue sharper than a razor blade.
But hey, thats the world for you aint it... Full of fakes.

Place, coming back to why I created this blog, to let things off my chest.

If the people around me wont listen, SOMEONE ELSE WILL...

Dont you just love blogs..!

Well hey, at least this is a blog where iNeed not worry about posting pics, although a few from time to time wont hurt, and they will prob also speak louder than the gazziiiillliioonnn words i write, sometimes its all too long.

G'Nite and Welcome to my world again if you already follow my sorry ass Fashion Blog x x

Dee Love