You Deserve It

LOL, the title can be seen as a jeer/mockery or a pat on the back.

Many a time you work oh so hard for something that you do not in the end ever even receive or achieve.
There are so many people that toil and regardless of effort the goal is just out of bounds.

So how do you measure what entitles you to deserving that thing you covet.

In my opinion - YOU DON'T.

You deserve the world and beyond!
How dare you let the world and society characterise your life and put limits and bounds on what you can do.
There is nothing worse than being limited.

I hate giving up, so sometimes, I find myself in the same pathetic situation time and time again because I think that somehow, this time, if I just don't give up, something will give, there will be change.

Let me help you kick start your epiphany if this is how you think...
NO NO NO, stop lying to yourself!

I will not sit on the other end of your screen and assist you in deceiving yourself that what you put in is what you will get out.

I will however inform you that indeed you can achieve that goal of yours no matter how unrealistic it may seem.

I'll let you in on a secret...
I was one of those people with as Mr Luther put it 'A DREAM'.
It consisted of one thing and one thing only, to fall in love with someone who loved me equally and if not more.

There were occasions I thought I had achieved this dream and then, somehow it would turn into a nightmare.
Of course like any normal person I would flee.

Now, I am not going to jinx it.
But, the dream is now a reality... its still got elements of nightmare but.. blah.

The dream also went above and beyond my expectations and woah... I am not sure I want to tell the world my biggest secret yet.

Just know I am possibly the most content person in the world atm.

As a Christian lemme just say this - Gods time is the best time.

Back So Soon

This time of year again, so soon.
Only last year this time I was in bed (like I am now),
Resting my ikkle brain and being thankful for all I have.

I was really not in the right frame of mind last year for Christmas tbh,
But I braved it.

This year however I am a wealthy student -_- who received her grant
the day after her bday (1st dec) and kindly bought presents for immediate family, nieces, cousin and mum and dad.

After that I do not play part
I didn't even buy "him" a present
Ahh well, that is what boxing day sales are for

Anywho...

Today is a day every little child treasures and every career person relishes... today and the holiday days that follow on from today.

Its a day you get to look back at the past year, gather thoughts, ponder, plan and un plan.

I came to the conclusion that I made some very 'wise' mistakes.
They have helped shape my future and better my understanding of myself, the world and life.

I don't have regrets,
I am however from time to time, ridiculously bitter at things, the way they happened and how I happened to let them slide.

Its a new year in just under a week...
I am not saying I'm going to become a reformed woman, but my perception of things is slightly different.

Things happen for the greater good in many cases, and I'm so happy that things are panning out better than I could have expected.

Thank you for freeing me, for letting me experience a whole new side of life, for opening my eyes unto what opportunities lie before me that I had previously because of ignorance deemed IMPOSSIBLE.

I'm living a dream,

I'm living MY dream and I am loving it.

I never in a million years thought that 2011 would be the year, but guess what it was.

Side Piece

Do you know what it feels like to be a side piece?
A side dish!

You know like chicken wings, coleslaw, beans, gravy, its not the bulk of your meal.

Imagine being that to someone.

They have a GF/BF, but they come to you in his/her absence or even just for fun.
You are their lust and nothing more.

Unless you decide that you do not mind this position (I know some people),
it is rather heart breaking to find out that this is where you lie.

How you react to this determines a lot:

1. It determines whether you deserve to be 1

If  you carry on as though there is nothing wrong, whilst home wrecking in my opinion you are not worth much and shouldn't be ranked as anything but the thing on the side. 


     2.   It determines what the person means to you

     3.   It determines how much self-worth you have


How your supposed partner reacts determines:

1. Whether he/she truly loves/likes you
2. If he/she has any respect for you whatsoever
3. Whether you should even give him/her a chance

Don't sit around and be made a fool of do your research, many people give little reason for you to trust them, so watch your back and trust no man/woman.

Potential

You have it all there...

It seems, to be laid out in front of you.

There are stepping stones, or a route you might want to call it. 

But where you go from here because of the multiple options is unclear. 

What to do next?

I spend the majority of my time daydreaming, 

I wish I had get rich quick schemes, 

the amount of time I spend thinking I should have been onto something by now.

It makes me question, what I am doing with my POTENTIAL?

I have the ability to succeed but don't ever grasp what is within arms reach 

talk less of aiming higher and trying to achieve the supposed impossible.

I want something, I bite my lip because of pride.

Instead of asking for I work for...

how about for once something works for me?

Time for me to unlock my potential.

Firstly by having a broader outlook on everything.

Too many a time I worry about consequence rather than end POSSIBLE result.

So here I like what ever that chubby lad on young apprentice's name is...

will start with the CONCEPT.

Mine is not fame, nor is it fortune (in terms of wealth).

It is HAPPINESS.

I have been training myself to think, happy thoughts.

This YOLO (you only live once) term has been something that before the acronym had been on my mind.

Last year the death of a close friend shook me.

If I had anything to remember him by, the words 'be strong' 

would come into play.

He was there for me during a harsh break up and always kept me smiling no matter the circumstance.

And I think from then on out I decided nothing would get me down.

But then...

Life had its way with me shortly after his death and another person close to my heart died yet again.

Okay I don't know about you, but if more than one person starts to slide away from you, 

you would start to think that it may possibly be you next. 

Which is why I believe it is my prerogative to go above and beyond the norm 

and to satisfy my need to be HAPPY. 

I want a large proportion of my life to be classified as the good old days.

I don't want to think about when times were bad, hard etc. 

I personally think that a happy soul wins souls and hearts.

And if that is the case all the keys to SUCCESS should be achievable once I am content in any situation.

Glad to be living, for my family, friends, acquaintances you name it. 

Positivity breeds good outcomes, 

so opportunities should be rife. 

Unlock your potential by being the best that you can be.

Its hard to be cheery 24/7 and lord knows I cant do it 365, hormones have their wicked way with me regularly. 

But during the time they don't, 

I seize the day. 

And take control of my life.

Your potential, lies in your hands.

Don't let bad habits get in the way of your success.

I Miss You

This girl needs to hold it down, she is just messing with my membrane.

Read this review on the song by the taste level, it is exactly how I feel about her album and this song.

Click here

Everyday I'm hustling

I can actually attest to this...

Since I was about 13/14 years old I have been styling people's hair.
As a result people reward me with a lil moola you know for hooking them up.
It isn't however anything to sing home about...
Which means that as soon as I got my NI no# (social security code) I went out in search of a job.

Recently my mate told me to read a book he had recently finished reading.
My mum had it in her library and I usually find it easy to delve into a good read, but this however has me profoundly lost.

I can't seem to get into it.
Personally I think it's because she wrote all over it like a diary and when I read her notes they throw me off track.

Anyways the book is called 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad'

It's described as what the rich teach their children that the poor don't.

It's all about the rat race that we all conform to and become part of for the duration of our lives..
And despite the fact I haven't got into it I am already questioning what my future holds and whether I will too conform or break the norm.

Sad thing is I have already kinda conformed..

Society today is structured so that you prepare yourself from secondary education.


1st - you decide whether or not school and the traditional route to success is for you

2nd - you either go into work after compulsory school leaving age or into college or sixth form, you even have the choice to become an apprentice

3rd - you either drop out, complete the course, become redundant, stay stagnant, Get a promotion or go onto further education

BY NOW, life should have thrown you some stones, rocks in fact that you had to dodge like Tomb raider or move out of your way like a heavy weight champion.
At this point if your family don't have your back, you don't have backbone or a support unit you are more than likely to take the so called stupid choice and bail out of it all... The nanny state (welfare system) has your back.

They will house you, pay your rent, give you money to feed, if you do your part an populate the world they make the benefits look even better for you, you know kinda like a crazy package - those all inclusive holidays at nuts prices type deals.

Now if you have a persuasive family who have a long list of professions they need to tick Off and degrees they would like to brag to friends about , it's likely you will take heed to all the advice that has been shoved down your throat.

After The gratification you receive on graduation day, in kicks the realisation that you are more than likely to join what they call the rat race...

Waking up at the crack of Dawn, commuting into town or out daily for months on end to near enough pay for your bills, indulge in one or two luxuries a month and maybe even paying for extra-curricular activities for the kids what left do you have. Oh did I mention the debt in which you are in at this point.
And the monthly repayments which the loan company take out of your pay check.

kmt... Just thinking about it angers me.

Not everyone is business minded, an after a chat with another friend I recently realised that not everyone is made to be a leader or a business owner.

So what stance do I take on this? Do I continue my average hustle an work for an hourly wage and maybe in a few years a salary with a benefits package that I can COPE with or do I reject mediocrity and start a business that could be my road to success or my downfall... Who knows?

Disaster

Is anybody else really touched by what is going on in Eastern Africa, a mass of people are seeking refuge in a large refugee camp in Kenya.
People walking for miles, not fleeing war but a dry terrain in which nothing has substance and there are no trees to bear any fruit.
No water... No rain, NOTHING!

The news portrays starving children, weak and lifeless, clutching on to life in make shift hospitals.
Land used as a burial site for those who simply cannot take it anymore.

Livestock with as much meat as is on dying children.
In essence, a dying nation.
And the news are still calling it a drought.
When half the refugee camp is 6 feet under they will most likely then decide to call it a famine.

Really, they need foreign aid and loads of it.

It's not anybody's fault it's just the region.
Living in arid desert like situations come with a huge downsides.

Either way, there is no time to blame.
Just keep the people of eastern africa in your thoughts and prayers.

Sweet Nothings Are Still Something

I without a shadow of a doubt am one of those girls who loves to be wined and dined, showed off to peers, family and the general public.

I don't like being in hiding and I hate being a secret.

I can cope with it don't get me wrong, but I don't actually like it one bit.

I love spontaneity, it pulls me in.

I think I kinda like feeling like I am in one of those feel good movies...

Who doesn't like hearing sweet things from a partner or love interest its all part of the initial run up to something that could potentially be "THE ONE", lol.

Jokes aside, the majority of things said are meant.

So why despise everything or hold words against someone (unless of course they LIED)?

No point really, counteract the good with the bad and you will see it was all worth it, even if it did end with you lying in bed all night eyes open, thoughts on what you did wrong rather than right.

Its an experience and likelihood is it meant SOMETHING to you and them.

Just learn from it, but don't let it ruin your future.

Not Easy

Life has never been easy,
not even as a child if you are honest with yourself.
Even fighting for life with two tiny lungs just after being delivered is a task and a half.

Talkless of trying to learn how to walk then having to run in order to keep up with the pace of the adult responsible for your welfare.

Oh and then learning how to talk, write, read - It has never been easy.

Socialising in school, HARD.

As we grow older however we realise just how simple these things were to achieve and start to associate the term easy with them, forgetting just how hard it was at the time.

My point, before I start rambling on, nothing is ever as it seems, you have to give it some time, thought and dedication to get it.

Yesterday a friend informed me she got a job I referred her to.
And I could not be more happier for her, because being idle really sucks.
Extra money comes in handy too.

Now in the spirit of always trying to better ones self I set out trying to look for another job last night.

I was up till 4am filling out application forms, online questionnaires and aptitude tests.

It is a long and almost daunting experience searching for a job, because you know that there are 100 odd other people applying to and for the same position as you.

But you keep trying as hard as it seems.
And when you finally get a job, you forget how hard and long it was and remember how easily you got the job.

Never give up, ever.

I want

A DSLR...

badly

like real bad

like Michael Jackson bad.

like I really wanna do outfit posts on my other blog but I dont even have a camera, like not even a standard digital

damn...

What do you do when your best is not enough?

Sometimes I get this feeling that I will never amount to anything or that I don't mean anything to anyone.
A lot of the time I just feel like an extra wing, not needed you can fly with two what's up with the third extra wing, get rid of it.

Ok back to your best not being good enough.

Who gave anyone the right to tell you that you were not GOOD enough?

No one,

Who gave anyone the authority to make you feel lowly... YOU.

You unsubconciously give other people power over you from time to time.
That person who you think can dress, if he/she says your outfit looks bad likelihood is you will feel bad wearing it.

If someone tells you that they can't see themselves with anyone else and a few months later they have someone else on their arm that they are claiming, you allowed them to fool you.

But when do you decide it is SAFE to let someone influence your opinion of yourself?

Never would be an apt answer, unfortunately things do not always work the way you would like for them to.

Sometimes you have to experience things in order to appreciate your self worth, sometimes you cannot even actually appreciate the lesson you are supposedly being taught by life because it simply HURTS too much for experience to legitimise the pain.

What else can you attribute to it though... ?

Loads of rhetorical questions here, I leave them open to your answers...
I'm lying here in bed thinking about 1001 issues, scenarios and ways to resolve them.
But I'm no agony aunt, I just rant.
And rave... Till I'm tired and eventually nod off.

The Climb

Was only during my uphill climb through the streets of Canterbury with the heaviest bags known to man that I truly started to appreciate life for what it is.

Honestly, there have been so many so called 'low points',
I mean when I was at the bottom of the hill with cars going past the speed limit and blowing my hair into a static mess I contemplated giving up.
But I realised it really is not about how fast I make it, it is about the climb, how I get there.

Having Christian influence I am inclined to looking at my life from a different view point, how other people look at me in relation to my 'religion'.

The amount of times I have been near giving up is erm, terrible.

Irrespective of this however each and every time I have done something to pick myself back up and face whatever obstacle is obstructing me from achieving what it is I am after.

I actually finished college this week, three years of crap that was.
I should have done an apprenticeship in all honesty, I am a worker, I work hard.
And right now I am working towards reaching a high position, and making sure I have back up I don't ever want to be pushed of any position in my own hierarchy...

But hey, life is an ongoing learning curve and about the climb.

Miley says it all for me...



No matter what circumstance you find yourself in, remember its just a minuscule part of the major plan. You can overcome it!

Bisous mes amies x

If you couldn't tell by now

I am a big, no huge, no enormous lover of afro beats...

CURRENTLY DYING OVER WIZ KID

Have a feeling I will be bumping into the guy himself sometime soon.

Wiz Party is my jam - have a listen

not so much the lyrical content as much as I love you boo...

the beats are so catchy and make me dance down the road, how can i be bobbing my head in an exam hall singing this to myself...
lol

my sociology teacher is the best

"Do not give up at the 11th hour!"

Thats what she emailed me - honestly don't know where I would be without her.

Turns out I have done this exam before and got a grade I was only aiming to push the grade up.

Ahh well such is life

biggest mistake

i missed my a2 exam

enough said

im a bum

and God knows why that happened and only he will see me out of it..

for now i will weep

with my weak and bogged down body

i hate being ill

GUESS WHAT!

LMFAO - I lost my phone

But I couldn't care less..

Then I thought I would give finding it a go.

So I'm standing in the darkness in a uni kitchen

and I call my phone using someone elses phone

and in the corner of the room

next to somewhere I had been sat

was a mop bucket

for some uncanny reason

the bucket was glowing

low and behold

I found my phone

in the bottom of this murky water

ringing

- Funniest thing that has happened to me this year undoubtedly -

I have a blackberry so being iPhoneless doesn't bother me so much
dont really get many phone calls nowadays anyways
and I cant go over my bill now eh?

I met Naeto C

So it's funny how God works, just as I have been falling deep in love with the guy and his lyrical flow.
I am blessed with his presence someone tell me it happened by coincidence I will tell you otherwise.
I was meant to meet him.
When you are righteous in your doing you will be blessed.
And this photo is evidence of how happy I am and was when I met him.
More blessings to come, watch out world.
I'm ready for you

I'm sorry

Sometimes, without even trying, you can get so caught up in yourself that you forget how you are portraying another person.

Selflessness, something I try to enact, but in the end I just end up thinking about MYSELF and My emotions...

Even if it means painting somebody else in a bad light.

I wont lie, the majority of the time it excuses mistakes made or even assumptions that have been jumped to.

But the end result isn't pretty, the picture is one you wouldn't even really want to look at because from all angles it doesn't look like anything but a mess.

Most of the time, I say sorry and don't mean it.
I say it to solve an issue, or better still kick it under a matt, rather than hitting the nail on the head, I digress.

Oh DAMN..

It is a pity really.

Everybody seems to think they are right.
When in actual fact you ain't ever gonna know what is the right way of doing things if you dont TALK.

Made harder when the other parties involved don't even want to.
Mais, you have to respect peoples opinions.

As I grow older and more knowledgeable in matters of the heart, I realise that the mind and heart go hand in hand.

We try to brainwash ourselves into thinking one thing, but memories (the sweet ones) have us trapped and the heart comes out to play and it weeps when things are no longer the same.

But, such is life.

Honestly - live life and love it.
Sorry to all those I have driven up the wall.
I was selfish.

Vrai

What is true?
What is right?
What is just?
As opposed to what is preferred.

Who knows?

Aid me

Asking for help is probably the hardest thing for some people to do.
When in all honesty sometimes you really do need to ask for it.
Many people like to do things on their own,
A majority have their own way of doing things and as a result hate when other people interfere.
BUT (big butt in mc hammers video type of but)
Some times you have to get rid of your pride and ask for help or for something to be explained.
Sometimes you are too selfish and caught up in what is upsetting you to realise that someone else needs your help but you just don't bother asking.

When you need a hand ask there is no harm in it, and when you see others struggling offer a helping hand.

I'm back

hey flip the switch
turn the lights on
open your eyes to a whole new you
the person you want to be stands before you...
okay maybe not right in front of you, but close enough
really and truthfully if you want to change your outlook on things you have to be in action or at least ready for it at all times
you have to no1# get rid of some pride, grab some shame, be humble and put in the work.

My work rate has been abysmal, in like the bad sense.
I have been doing nada, and today I realised my potential.
I saw my grade for my art work and woo I am so chuffed.
Defo gonna work harder at it till I am satisfied.

Today I went out with the lads... n felt like my normal (Im a girly girl with a mans outlook on life) self.

I wont lie I missed it.
I been so caught up in the womans sad and oppressed by emotions life for too long.
EWW.
YUCK...

Yes I am human, but after watching X-men, I have a boost of energy that cannot be reckoned with honestly.

Dont mess with me... I will be brutal.

No but really, I am crazy happy today.
And ain't no one going to bring me down.
Miss Motivator is Back.

Afuru'm Gi Nanya

Im not Igbo....

but the title means I love you in Igbo.

I know not the most romantic of languages, but then I have had enough of the norm/cliche te amo or je t'aime.

BORING MUCH

Yeah so its like 3:47

Tom woke me up (its that TIME OF THE MONTH)

But I'm here shaking my booty to Naeto C's Afuru Gi Nanya.

No matter what I am always in love with those I claim to love.

Right now I am falling head over heels in love with Naeto C because he is spitting out all the words,bars, lyrics I want to be hearing.

Oooh one other thing I woke up realising, guess what guys...

I am human.

You see the jealousy, the fits, the upset, the insecurities, the me hating him being with someone else and seeming happier now than when he was with me...

I am allowed to feel that way.

Lol

I also am allowed to spoil myself rotten, take as long as I like to get over my heartbreak, drink, smoke, choke and die if that is how I choose to live.

Yeah.. Thats about ALL for now folks.

p.s. Pamela Anderson excites me, but then so does any female with huge bosoms and a badass figure. Im not BI, I just appreciate well rounded figures, fake and real.

In love with my own figure atm...

A couple imperfections, but that is perfectly alright as I am comfortable being me.

I hide under a tee - when I unveil this small and shrinking waist BAM...

You will surely envy me too.

okay thats enough... back to the african aunty booty shaking - it makes me happy and reminds me of mummy

Headless Movements and mmm Food

Its highly unfair that I am still feeling like a headless chicken.
I have been trying to counteract this feeling by filling in voids,
de-cluttering, finding things to do, sleeping, shopping oh and looking for hugs in numerous arms.



But, the result thus far has been unsuccessful, my wardrobe and bedroom are pretty after it all, but my head is...Elsewhere.

I've come to the conclusion that I am just loco.



Missing my mother like mad at the moment, you know that motherly instinct they have is just crazy. But they know and can tell almost everything.

I normally drive my mum insane, with my cheeky tongue.

My dad on the other hand just ignores me, the banter is not the same.
Still love him though.
I mean he didn't go wild even though I took the car for a couple spins whilst he was watching a movie. He actually really trusts me. Which is heart warming.

But all the same, I need my mama.

Before she comes back I'm going to cook her some of her fave Nigerian, (itsekiri) delicacies, Banga soup, Ogbono soup, Buy her some yams even though I hate them they are so dry, cook her some pepper soup oh n some basic jollof rice for her to take to work.



Erm... what else.
Oh some plantain, roasted chicken, frying it just takes the life out of it.
Although if you are cooking stew the fried meat adds flavour to it.
I can attest this - because the only peoples mothers stew that I can say makes me feel the same way do the same thing.
My good friend the photographer and my cousin the lawyer.

Wow, food really is a comfort, if only Tesco's was open right now I really need some jelly.

Well erm, I guess I need to cook this food, stock my fridge, find someone to give me a hug again, n pray this hormonal period of my life gets gone sometime soon, because its a bugger.

Sucks being a girl sometimes.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tune of the mo : The Kooks - One Last Time



Toodles

Sweet Bee

Saw this Vid over at 4aces..

Apparently Jay is recording her in the dressing room...

Fell in love with her all over again.

As much conspiracy as this woman is dragged into... she still wins me.

Love her to bits!

You hear those HARMONIES?

WOAH

On a better note

OMG OMG OMG -

I met Jen of JNOIR

She had advertised the 'affordable vintage fair' in bethnal green today.

So me being the opportunist thought it wise to no 1 raid my poor savings and buy me a few more treasures.

Visit my fashion blog and I will be talking all about what I bought there.

BUT,

The reason my day was made perfect by seeing her is because she had such a genuine smile on her face when she saw me.

I have been feeling so lowly of recent and for someone who I did not know personally to greet me in that manner - lets just say it blew me away.

Blogspot is refuge for me, I'm not a recluse, in fact im rather well known.

There is however a difference between acquaintances and friends.

The real world is harsh and so subjective, and the bloggersphere is relatively a friendly community.

This is what keeps me going, gives me some sort of strength a boost oh and something to do in my spare time.

Spare time being any free time.

I do think there should be blogger meet and greets, I also believe there should be events held for all bloggers.

You know events seem to be limited to only those who grab a wide audience, businesses love free advertisement. If they can send you away with what £100 worth of goods and recieve advertisement on your site for its whole duration... well heck why not.

Fair? I think not.

Either way... who is going to start this?

Events for bloggers.

Faith works

you know when you can't help but snap at everyone..

its not even like you mean to

it just sorta happens

when everyone seems to annoy you

and there is no reason to justify why you are in such a foul mood

yeah i'm in one of those today

i even lost my patience with a customer

or two

*hides face*

and the person that was trying to calm me down was given no reception

its funny

i wouldnt appreciate life so much if everything were given to me on a silver spoon

and even at times like this when it seems like nothing is going right

i know that one day it will..

i got faith

Paranoia

You know when it feels like that dude sitting over there with the bug eyes is staring you out.
And you start to think damn, is my hair out of place, is there a braid hanging loose, can he see my tracks, is my nose full of snot and shit, are my trousers too tight, is my top inside out, is my skirt tucked into my knickers?
Has my mascara smeared itself across my face?
You know the common things that come to mind.

Why do we do this?
It's actually just a wind up session.

Tump her up

Today my friend came to meet me whilst I was shopping and guess what the bastard did.
Slapped me continuously.
In VAPIANOs, I swear I could have punched him or kicked him in his balls.
I think it was his way of saying I missed you.
I don't know why he thought he couldn't say it in words.

Content

My friend said to me,

I don't know why he is still looking for what he already has...

I replied, well I guess he is not content, in which case I can't play along.

I can not be 2nd best,
Neither can I adjust and make space for another.
If you don't think I deserve your best, you sure as hell don't deserve mine.
Why settle for sub standard?
If I am not good enough then let's part, go find your perfection, mine will find me.

My mind is full of many things

Advice from Naeto C

1st day of the year
my bestfriend died in a car crash.
Couple of months before that, I survived in a car crash.
Now that's the irony of life
She was good enough to be a wife
I only cry once a year but that year, I cried thrice.
So dear friend, let me give you an advice
Keep your loved ones close cos they won't live twice
I should have told her how I felt but I couldn't be precise.
I didn't reply her emails even though she broke down her feelings in detail.
I was busy dealing with all sorts of female
Now it's hard for me to even open up my gmail
I wish she had the same luck as me
but that's what i couldn't give unluckily.
And so I pray that my blessings extend
to the rest of my family and friends.

- Naeto C

Damn serious, don't mess about because you never know what the future holds

In a few years

In a few years time I will look back and shake my head at my attitude towards education
But for now I will continue to shun it.

In a few year time I will look back at my past relationships
I will laugh, curse and cry and sing jolly mercies that I learnt all I needed to from them

In a few years time I will have my own child,
I will skip for joy when he/her first opens their eyes to look at me, I will well up will tears on their first smile, their first few steps will be those that empower me to keep going even though life is bloody hard and their first words will be the first of many we will share, even if we don't have the best relationship although I don't see how that could happen I'm too 'school for cool'

In a few years time I will be the happiest I have ever been and from then on out I will always be.

Till then ...

Adieu

Imperfectly Me

Love let's me be imperfectly me...

Who can say they have been in a relationship and there was no flaw in your partner or even a slight hiccup?
No one, because if that were the case the relationship would have been in essence a complete fraud.
Love and it's limitless bound allows you to be yourself.
Flaws and all.
You work on your bad characters together...
And learn to love them.

I remember when I first started out dating I always used to brush off arguments and attempt perfection, little did I know due to lack of experience that I was setting myself up for a hard hitting emotional rollercoaster.
Dealing with issues inwardly instead of opening up.

Well I landed on my face sure enough.

I guess it's something you have to experience to understand.

Loved ones

Keep your loved ones close because they won't live twice...

- Naeto C

No Matter What

This song is receiving full reception from me at present.
It talks about being with someone through thick and thin.
The overall gist is that the female stands by her man when he has money and when he does not.

Heard this in concert at the 02, and fell in love with it.

Favourite lines...

'things are hard right now, a lot of stress yeah, but I promise to always give you my best'

Simply, beautiful

Slowly but surely

Can I get a whoop whoop!

I'm so tired.
But I have actually been working hard today in retrospect of the past 2 years of college in which I haven't had any focus.
Yeah that's pretty much it.

Tryna break the cycle, I don't think I'm up for downfall.

Boo hoo

Have you ever watched a tear roll horizontally across your face?
It's so melodramatic

That was then this is now

It's a wonder how even after your family instil social norms and values into you, you can turn around and choose to live by the standards of wider society.

Ok for example, let's say you grow up in a deeply religious Christian home.
And all your life you have been told that fornication is a sin, meaning if you take part in sex before marriage or adultery you will go to hell.
But society promotes sex through the media.
Socially acceptable, yet deep down your morals say no I can't do this.
But a few nights on the phone, couple drinks in some people's case and that wall that had been built is knocked DOWN.
Crumbled.
No longer exists, it resembles the Berlin wall, you literally skipped over it. Spat at it and went ahead and done what your subconscious said no to but your mind said yes to.

Do you get it?

Confusing analogy to some degree.

Okay another one for you a little more simple.

You been brought up under the assumption that smoking is bad for you.
You go to school and succumb to peer pressure, the ciggerette sits comfortably on the tip of your lip, you are accepted by your peers, you inevitably feel cool.
You use every excuse under the sun to justify what it is you are doing, yet you know how your family feel about smokers and you are now one. What happened to everything you were taught is right and wrong?

I guess socialisation is just to instil some form of widely accepted beliefs into you so you behave respectably if you are passive and do everything you are told or become a rebel if that is in your nature, rebellious behaviour doesn't suit all.

It's sad though because in some cases we are brainwashed into believing many things that we my not agree with, but do not dispute it because we would rather not have controversy surrounding the issue.

Personally I would prefer to face everything head on, if I want to do something I will, if someone has something to say about it, I will listen.
If I don't like it I will say, and if you still don't like it well either deal with it or fuck off.
Can't actually please everyone.

Do not however go out there and exhibit rebellious tendencies that will in the end result in an asbo that will restrict your movement, not cool.

Random gargle

Lmfao, no 1 hi all, no 2 there is someone that is behaving just like me on the bus in a really weird and eff'd up mood.
No like really,
I think the guy she is seeing is avoiding her (probs needs space)
And it's bugging her because...

It's likely she created a space for him in her person and now he isn't there she feels there is a void.
Or maybe because she suspects he is cheating on her.
Or it could simply be paranoia and he is genuinely too busy to see her and hence isn't seeing her.
I could on the other hand just be making excuses for him.
And he could be a sleaze ball whom she is wasting her strength on.

What is funnier still is that she has a cough,
I have one too, not because I have a cold or anything but because I am RUN DOWN.
Look it too, but that's a story for another day.

What I am trying to get at is that women have the innate ability to create a space for someone which was never there in the first place and don't seem to feel whole when this other half has run off.

I am guilty of this too.
But hey you learn to shift bad habits, in an ideal world we would all have strong cores which no1 could severe but what is a world without love?

In other news, I was early for work today, went to the covent garden.
I have become a vintage buyer, oh and got a denim bargain which I will customise and put on my other blog for you all to see.
Fashion really does make me happy.
Photography, design, the bitchy people and the clothes - I love it.
I can literally indulge in it allday.
Make me a wag and fuck knows what I'll turn into.

I don't even have a clear cut style,
So I would buy all and everything lol.

But I am saving so, maybe not all.
I'd probably buy an expensive bag or two which I could sell should I get desperate.

Feeling Green

I dont believe the other party involved knows just how embarrassed I am.
Today the green eyed monster turned up at my door unexpected.
I tried so hard to battle the jealousy but couldn't even hide it.
I did every childish thing in the book.

I updated my BB status as frequently as I could trying desperately to seek attention.
WACK.

I'm not going to get into what else I did.
All I know is jealousy isn't cool or sexy.
I dont care if it gives peoples egos a quick boost...
IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP.
Oh that and its a sin.

I never want to feel like that again.
Hormones got me bad today.
I'm going to have to show them the levels, because if that had happened in public.
WOAH.

Feeling good

It's hard for me to justify why I am almost always in a mood,
When I say mood I mean GRUMPY, PISSED OFF WITH LIFE and IRATE.
Fair enough I work with some of the most confusing, impolite and obnoxious customers,
But even that is not enough to condone an attitude that eventually dims everybody else's high.

Someone told me I made people miserable.
I could have cried,
But I save emotions and tears for things more worthwhile.

The same person a few weeks down the line concluded that since I no longer drink,
Not that I ever did in excess I am no longer depressed.

I never really did know just how unhappy with life I was.
Make matters worse, I was too blind to notice the obvious,
I was the one depressing myself not anyone else.

No matter how influential people are in your life, you honestly own the God given right to be happy.

Apart from hormones, you should be the one to determine your mood.
Because once you are in a bad one your demeanour is lost,
You ruin productivity levels, efficiency levels and probably most importantly happiness levels.

The pursuit of happiness starring Will Smith relates well to this topic.

I am genuinely in the pursuit of happiness, like I wrote in a poem.

"misplace tears and find solace"

I found it and I can affirm there is no better feeling than genuine joy.
Yes there are times when you just breakdown because it feels like everything is getting on top of you,
But when you realise just how much you are loved, what you mean to yourself,
Your influence in another's life, how much your friendship and companionship means to those close to you,
You realise just how much you mean.


I'm off to get some sleep so I can keep this good mood of mine.

Try too hard

What the hell is trying too hard?
dressing up, looking good, feeingl good, working too hard, trying to hard with people/individuals?

Sorry but I am no fan of mediocre anything.

I always wonder if because most of the people I think are cool/creative
you know all that jazz, slightly twisted that somehow if I mess up my thoughts, think about things in a rather controversial way, throw things at people unexpectedly that somehow, I will consider myself cool.
Or maybe that someone else might even consider me a genius..or just a gee.

Either way its all down to perceptions...

Ok, how I perceive myself is more important than how the world perceives me.

I'll use today as an example,

I wore a very casual outfit, to some it may have seemed flamboyant,
but heck who cares what they think who are they anyway?

I care thats who cares... well at least I do to some degree, thats why when "THEY" watched me dart for the bus, get on the bus, walk to the back of the bus, sit down on the bus oh and finally get off the bus I felt they OGLED me.

Aye Yi Yi,
It was like their eyes were throwing arrows at me... and their minds setting these arrows alight, honestly I was burning up.

Quite appropriate then that I was wearing sunglasses... ah, maybe that was why they had their eyes on me.

Or maybe, just maybe it could be paranoia or they like me can stare at one object for long periods of time, without any thought being conjured about the item I was staring at.

EITHER WAY...

Everything I do to me is normal, some creativity may possibly have been the cause of something other times its just a little inspiration.
Either friggin way, how can you tell ME I tired too hard, for all you know I could have not tried at all.

Honestly narcissism isn't so cool...
infact its rather lame

What you waiting for?

MY MIND is in overdrive...

its hot, and working way too much.

Frequently asked by the men that float in and out of my workplace

'why are you single?'

I begin to question myself.

For the most part, it is all me.

I believe that as young as I am,

there is enough time to face heartache and all that malarkey in the future.

But NOW, I have to ask myself why?

Because to be honest I actually don't even know myself.

With the death of close loved ones, I really do question what the heck I am waiting for.

I mean, I don't want to settle for any Tom, Dick or Harriet because that would just be lame, but I do want and sometimes even feel the need for that sort of companionship.

I am very guilty however of putting things off because of FUTURE plans.

When I say that I mean,

I say "I like you but I don't want to ruin the chances of a future with you"

BULL SHIT

If we cant work now we surely wont work later, so what the heck are we even talking about here.

Okay we might argue, may even decide to not talk to one another, but if its meant to be surely it will BE.

Like I said this is self blaming session, because again its me..

Looking at the relationships my mates are in, comparing them to myself,

pitying myself, shaking head at mistakes and nearly driving myself into a rut.

THE END OF THIS CRAP IS SIMPLY THIS.

Nothing is impossible, what is right for you will surely, I REPEAT, surely find its way to you.

Do not rush, do not follow friends and believe that what they are doing with their lives is what you must be doing.

Anxiety only leads to desperation and that trait is just ugly.

Take it easy, because really and truthfully there is no point loving someone who is not going to love you back.

It all whittles down to self worth, but I'll talk about that another day.

For now I'll skip off into the sun with my single self.

( I have this strange urge to cover myself head to toe despite the warm temperature, I have this hypothesis which I have already proven incorrect in my head that a guy that goes for a fully clothed gal, rather than one putting all her goods on show is genuinely attracted to the girl)

Hmm, we'll see.

Ta Ta for Now

Good Company

I am a firm believer in the people around you influencing you.

Some influence you to do bad, others good and some genuinely have no influence over you whatsoever.

In fact to some degree they play no part in your life.

These people are generally those that want something from you, be it physical or non physical, you are to them an idol of some sort.

Those that influence you to do bad, need to be RID of.

They are the worst kind, you know it and they know it.

They wish nothing for you but your downfall.

They take joy in knowing you are miserable, depressed and all that lark.

They don't even care if and when you are in need.

The good, MOTIVATE, INSPIRE, ADMIRE, make you laugh, make you smile, know exactly what to say to turn any frown around.

Unfortunately sometimes, you don't know what is good for you.

Too stuck in your wrong ways...

Some people even like moping around, claiming that tomorrow is a new day and that BY FORCE BY FIRE they will achieve what they could have done today tomorrow.

SAD REALLY...

I know what steps I need to get further, but if I surround myself with people who are unhappy with life, whether they have aspirations or not, there will forever be a stronghold there...

An obstacle I will indeed never overcome.

Which is why I thank God for those that I do have.

We recognize our right from wrong, we improve and amend and in other words 'keep on keeping on'.

Those that wanted to see my downfall are around to see my success, better still they are in awe.

But, from an arms length.

The company you keep is reflective of your persona and character.

Be weary of it.

**This post is dedicated to those fabulous friends of mine, who never let me give up and so I rise.

Pear shaped

As a female it is the duty of my hormones to do as they like with my body.
But with added intervention of more hormones, the edible sort,
I tend to lose it.
Apart from being ridiculuously unwell right now, in my opinion I should be hospitalised till I'm better,
I have had the honour of being an emotional wreck.
It has however worked out for the best and in my favour,
This is because I worked everyday for the past 3 days doing long day-night shifts.
This meant that by the time I got home I was knackered and had the strength to do nothing but sleep.
But in those 3 days because of my sickness I woke up at 6am with nothing to do and in pain.

DRUGs...
I am so lucky that I held on to some super strong pain killers,
Because this morning instead of trying to rock myself back to sleep,
I threw those bad boys down my throat.
Now it took a long time for them to kick in because I hadn't eaten.
But I felt the deterioration, it was a long process.
First I started feeling woozy, then my arms felt heavy, then my back relaxed, then my eyes shut, shortly after
The pain I had been feeling was no longer present, tis a pity it didn't go first.

The moral of all this,
There is a way out of everything!

Feeling moody, go to sleep.

Made a mistake, rectify it.

In pain, get some meds.

In serious pain, see a dr.

Oh n btw who else hates antibiotics, my gosh they take long to work.

Burn

I was not hungry,

Yet I forced myself to eat,

Mid-air the hot stew covered my wrist scalding it and leaving my skin immersed in oil.

I'm left sore and nursing what is left of the skin on my wrist.

Wake up calls are so bleeding necessary!

Ok, so you are seemingly fine, but deep down within you know that there is a whole lot of things bugging you.

So you plan.

It seems only wise to plan a way to get to where you WANT to be.

"Mais la vie est une salope"

(But life's a bitch)

My french is getting good, dont excuse it.

And so,

despite all the planning and toiling,

nothing ever really happens!

Do you give up?

For some time yes....

Then reality kicks in, you realise bills wont pay themselves

good credit is hard to hold onto

and in this ever present poor economy

you will clutch onto every penny you have or can earn

Yes life is for living,

but how daring can you afford to be?

Besides... electric and gas are the only things that prevent pneumonia

in this type of weather.

That is unless your next door neighbour isn't planning on

being the subject of an arson attack,

in which case for some hours you will be rather toasty

but that plan isn't fool proof is it?

Rhetorical these questions are not.

VAT Increase

I am ..
UNAMUSED.. by the rise
DISPLEASED.. by its arrival
PEEVED.. by its effect
RUINED.. because despite the increase I am not going to be paid a higher wage.

I cackled when the lady I normally by my daily dose of juice from
(a bottle of water and a carton of tropical fruit) quoted the price.
I repeated it, and she nodded.
I repeated what she said again... and yeah you guessed it she nodded.

I flung my head back and let out a howl of laughter which sounded somewhat like a wail.

I paid anyways, because I am at times a little too proud for my own good.
And besides.. I dont function well first thing in the morning minus the stuff.

I had previously considered the increase rather minor, but now am infuriated to find that even the 'little things' are now more expensive.

This coalition is good for nothing.

DAMN you government and EFF all You MOFO's who voted conservative and lib dem.

Broken promises, half-hearted or amended proposals and an end to all the things that benefitted the working-class.

PISSED MUCH

Lily x

Oh and BTW, Happy New Year